Ask Sister Faithful – Surviving Marriage and Ministry

Dear Sister Faithful:

My husband and I have been married for eight years and have two small children.  We were both called into ministry before we got married and started our own church a few years ago.  Recently, we have started to argue and fight all the time.  Our relationship is getting more and more distant. There are some things in the ministry that are not going and I know that my husband has a lot on his mind.  I am trying to help him share the burden but he won’t let me.  When I try to ask him what’s going on he blows up or won’t respond.  At church we pretend that everything is fine, but when we get home we barely speak to one another.  I feel like I am living with a stranger.  I know that each ministry and marriage has its ups and downs, but I want to bring the intimacy and respect back into my marriage.  I can’t talk to anyone I know about this for fear of damaging our reputations so please tell me if you have any ideas?

Tired of Pretending

 Dear Tired:

God considers marriage sacred for it is representative of the Christ’s union with the Church (Ephesians 5:23-33).  The enemy seeks to destroy and pervert those things that God views as important.  The fact that you and your husband share a public ministry makes your marriage a lucrative battleground for the one who seeks to publicly destroy the things and people of God.  Be reminded that what you battle against is not really your stressed out husband, but spiritual forces that would seek to devour that which God has created for good. 

In the natural you still have to deal with your overly stressed husband, but recognize that there are spiritual aspects to your problems that must be addressed as well.  Spend time in fasted prayer seeking God’s presence.  Slowly start showing your husband that you are sincere in trying to ease his strain.  Like taking care of one of his routine chores for him or sending the kids to a trusted sitter and having the house quiet and relaxing for him.  Sometimes it’s the little things that can get through to a person.  You may need a vacation from the church for a week or two.  New pastors are often concerning about leaving the church for a Sunday or two, but the church will survive and the break would be a blessing for you and your husband.

Most importantly spend time in devotion together.  Many couples that I have talked to have said that praying together has had a positive impact on their relationship.  You may already do this, but strive to be more open during your joint prayer time.  Let your husband hear you tell God that you love your husband and want to learn how to be the wife he needs at this time in his life.  He needs to hear that you are willing to work with him and work hard at saving your relationship.

The intimate aspects of your marriage should grow and mature as you do as a couple.  The needs you both had eight years ago have changed slightly, and it never hurts to reevaluate what you both want from your physical relationship.  Do not be embarrassed to have this discussion with your husband.  Within the bonds of marriage your level of intimacy is largely yours to define as a couple (though a walk through the 18^th chapter of Leviticus can provide some boundaries for those couples seeking to dabble in the adventurous).

As a final word, most Christian counselors provide some level of marriage counseling.  Like their secular counterparts, you will find that some Christian counselors specialize in marital and family counseling.  These individuals are well-trained and required to maintain your confidentiality.  Don’t be afraid to allow another sincere Christian to help you work through your marriage issues.  God often uses other people to bless us in difficult times. 

Meditative Scriptures: Genesis 2:18-24; Matthew 19:5-6; Ephesians 6:10-18

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