Ask Sister Faithful – How Do I Deal With Questions About My Brother’s Death?

Dear Sister Faithful:

My younger brother recently died due to complications from AIDS. He had hidden his homosexuality for years out of deference to our family’s position in the church.  Our parents have been adamant that no one know the real reason for his death.  They have been telling everyone that he had a heart attack.  I feel uncomfortable with the lie, but I don’t want to go against my parents wishes or say anything that would reflect negatively on my brother.  I just don’t know what to say when people ask me how he died.  Should I just keep the lie going and pray about it later?

Missing My Brother

Dear Missing:

While I won’t tell any Christian not to take an opportunity to pray, I can’t in good conscious tell you that it’s alright to lie simply because there is grace to be found in prayer and repentance (Romans 6).  Yet, I realize that your quandary is one that a number of families have faced when a loved one has died of a condition or in a manner that can be construed as embarrassing.  Unfortunately, many people still harbor the fears and prejudices from the early days of the HIV/AIDS epidemic.  However, you can respect your brother’s privacy without lying to people.  Choosing not to share another individual’s personal business is not lying.  Simply state that you are still grieving the loss of your brother and that the family is appreciative of people’s respect for your privacy.

If you don’t feel like discussing it, there is nothing wrong with telling people that it’s hard for you to speak of your loss and leave it at that.  Should you encounter one of the more inquisitive types and feel like you have to provide an answer you can state that your  brother died of whatever complication that led to his death without mentioning the HIV/AIDS.  Many AIDS-related illnesses or co-morbidities are non-specific enough that people do not always have to be HIV positive to have them.  Learn more about the specific complication that led to your brother’s death and determine whether it fits into that category (pneumonia is an example of this type of illness).

The important thing is that you not allow your parent’s reaction or people’s inquisitiveness to destroy the positive memories that you have of the brother you loved.  In the end, it’s the good memories (along with the comforting grace brought by the Holy Spirit) that help you through the grieving process.

Meditative Scriptures: Matthew 5:4; John 16:5-15; Romans 6

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