Alone, but Not “Lonely”

“Girl, it’s hard being single at my church. Everybody wants to fix me up with their brother, nephew, cousin, neighbor, co-worker, or mailman.”

I was taking a sip from a glass of raspberry iced tea, and took my time responding to my friend, Marilyn. I wasn’t sure if this was supposed to be a two-way conversation, and subsequently decided I was going to wait until she invited me in.

It was a quiet Wednesday afternoon, and we were taking advantage of a day off from the gift basket business we started three years ago. We were going to be contracting with four of the stores in our area, and were trying to determine which baskets might sell better.

“Mother Morris is always trying to have me come over for dinner with her favorite nephew and her. Do you know that he hasn’t been to church since he graduated from high school?” She was getting excited now. Her tone went up a pitch.

I glanced out the patio door, and calmly watched as two birds danced on top of the freshly painted picket fence. How lucky they were that they were outside.

“Charmaine, I know you hear me talking to you. Do they do that at your church?” she asked. I sighed deeply and made my mind up that we were not going to be here all day talking about the good sisters at our respective churches.

“Marilyn, why do you allow yourself to be taken there? Yes, somebody at church is always trying to get me hooked up with someone they know, but I have no trouble letting them know that I am not looking, but do appreciate their efforts.”

She snapped her neck and rolled her eyes at an invisible person next to her. ”Charmaine, why is it that women at church feel they have to help everyone else find a man?” she asked.

“Marilyn, what you have to realize is that some of those women are securing their own relationships by making sure you are no longer available, and some of them are doing it because they assume that you are lonely. Some women have the need to be in a relationship. They just don’t feel complete unless they have a man. It’s something that has been drilled into us since the beginning of time,” I said.

She leaned her head to the side and chewed on her lower lip. I had no idea what might come out of her mouth next, but I already had a ‘conversation killer’ ready to drop on her. 

“Char, do you ever get lonely?” she asked. I sat my glass down on a napkin. I think I wanted to give her an answer that would help her more than it would me.

“Marilyn, God didn’t intend for us to be ‘lonely,’ but He also didn’t intend for that to mean that you can’t be happy and alone. There is a big difference. We are single by choice … not by default,” I offered.

“Why doesn’t everyone else see it that way? Why does something have to be wrong with us to not be married or in a serious relationship?” she asked.

I ran my index finger around the rim of my glass and said, “Well, you can politely inform them that you do have a man,” I said. When the smile on her face broadened I knew she finally got what I meant.

Does being alone equate to being lonely?